Understanding the two social & emotional styles
Have you ever felt like...
šThe more you try to get your child to talk, the quieter they become? AND the quieter they get, even louder you become?
šYou freeze up and you can't think of your good parenting tools when your child is being loud or physical?
šYour child seems to push away other kids unintensionally with their forceful energy?
I call it the Turtle vs Lion Social Dynamic.
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This is a common pattern in parent-child relationships, and also happen between siblings and friends.
š¢ Meet Tucker the Turtle
- Needs time to process before responding
- Retreats when overwhelmed or pressured
- Prefers quiet, slower-paced interactions
- Feels safest when given space and predictability
- Communicates through subtle cues, not a lot of words
ā Tuckers arenāt ignoring you. Theyāre processing internally.
ā When pushed too hard, Tuckers retreat further into their shell, making it less likely for them to come out.
š” Meet Lisa the Lion
- Needs verbal engagement to feel connected
- Thinks out loudātalking helps them process
- Fills silence with more words, questions, and energy
- Moves fast and expects quick responses
- Feels uneasy when someone doesnāt answer right away
ā Lisas arenāt trying to overwhelm others. Theyāre seeking interaction.
ā When someone withdraws, Lisas push harder, thinking more talking will help.
When Tuckers & Lisas Collide
A common parenting mistake is assuming Tucker needs more prompting when they really need less.
š¦ The more Lisa pushes, the more Tucker retreats.
š¦ The more Tucker pulls away, the more Lisa talks.
This can also lead to miscommunication in friendships and between siblings.
š¹ Lisa the parent might say: āJust tell me whatās wrong!ā ā But Tucker hears pressure and withdraws further.
š¹ Tucker the child might stay silent when upset ā But Lisa assumes they donāt care and talks even more.
Sound familiar? Then read on!
š¹How to Help Tuckers & Lisas Communicate Better
ā If You Are Lisa the Lion & Your Child is Tucker the Turtle:
- Pause and wait. Give them space to respond.
- Use fewer words. Try āIām hereā or āTell me moreā, THEN WAIT!!
- Match their energy. If theyāre quiet, soften your tone and presence. Keep physical distance when talking if that helps you manage your emotions.
ā If You Are Tucker the Turtle & Your Child is Lisa the Lion:
- Acknowledge the intensity without becoming intense. "WOW, I can see in your words and body are REALLY MAD about this!"
- Set gentle boundaries. āLetās take turns talking so we can both share and so I can listen.ā
- Lions can become more intense when they feel they are not being heard so first step is to show them you feel their pain or distress, not to tame the intensity. You don't need to agree with their pain or distress, but you must first let them know you heard it.
š¹How This Plays Out in Friendships:
Tuckers may feel overwhelmed by chatty and energetic friends.
Lisas may feel ignored when a friend doesnāt respond quickly.
What You Can Say to Your Child:
For a Tucker: āIf your friend is talking a lot, try saying, āI need a sec to think.āā
For a Lisa: āIf your friend is quiet, give them a moment before asking again.ā
Next time you notice this dynamic, pause and adjustāgive Tuckers space and acknowledge Lisa's need to be heard and connect.
Use this concept to help your child through their friendships too!
Small shifts create stronger connections.
Gratefully yours,
Noriko
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Noriko Abenojar, MSW PPS
Parenting REdefined
www.SocialAndCognitiveLearningCenter.com
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