What if you could gently shape the 5 people influencing your child’s social and emotional development? Learn how to use this reflective tool to guide relationships that support your child’s growth and confidence.
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“You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with.”
You’ve probably heard that quote before—it often shows up in conversations about business, success, or personal mindset.
But what if we looked at it through the lens of our children’s social and emotional development?
What if you, as parents, could help influence who those five people are and had a guideline for how to do that?
For kids who are still learning how to “find their people", the ones who lift them up instead of tearing them down, we have the opportunity to help shape those relationships through awareness and intention.
And unlike the original quote, where time spent is the central idea, in this case it’s not just about quantity—it’s about quality.
🔴 A child can spend hours around classmates who misunderstand them or tear down their confidence…
🟢 But just a few moments with someone who truly sees them can help restore their sense of self.
That’s why I created this reflective framework. It’s not exact science.
It’s a tool to help parents ask:
“Who are the key people helping shape my child’s social and emotional growth right now?”
"MY 5 PEOPLE FRAMEWORK"
🧍♂️🧍♂️Person 1 & 2: Two Grounded Adults Who GET Your Child
🌟Adults who understand (or try to understand) how your child sees the world
🌟Parents, grandparent, teacher, coach, therapist, or ME!
🌟These adults don’t force one-size-fits-all strategies
🌟They listen, adapt, and coach while honoring your child’s unique way of thinking and relating
🧍♂️🧍♂️Person 3 & 4: Two Peers Who Offer a Sense of Belonging
💚Could be a sibling, cousin, classmate, or neighbor
💚These peers accept your child without triggering them to feel desparate to chase their approval
💚The relationship may not be effortless—but it should feel emotionally safe
💚These are kids who walk with your child, not kids who make them feel “less than”
🧍♂️🧍♂️Person 5: One Fresh-Eyed Adult With No History
✨Someone who interacts briefly but positively: a camp counselor, new art teacher, some at the store
✨They see your child with no history or bias—and often reflect back their strengths
✨These encounters can feel unexpectedly powerful and validating
Use this tool to reflect:
✅ This framework isn’t something that needs to be perfectly in place. It’s simply a guideline, a new way to view the people in your child’s life and where your energy might be best focused.
✅ The five people who influence your child’s social-emotional growth will naturally shift as your child’s needs, environments, and developmental stages change.
✅ Let this be a tool to spark reflection and gentle planning, not a source of pressure.
Examples:
1) Persons 1-4 are solidly in place but you have a hard time coming up with person #5 ➡️➡️that might lead you to think of ways for your child to meet new people, participate in new experiences through summer camps, one day activities, go out shopping with families and engage with store clerks.
2) If you notice that one of the adults in your child’s life (#1 or #2) frequently uses traditional, rigid strategies that don’t work for your child ➡️➡️ that could be a sign to gently open a conversation to help that adult learn how your child processes the world.
3) If your child’s 5 people haven’t changed in years
➡️➡️Ask yourself: Have your child’s needs grown or shifted? Would a new environment bring in fresh influences? Sometimes simply reflecting on this helps parents explore new settings or relationships that support current growth.
THIS WEEK:
- Take a few minutes to mentally run through the people in your child’s life.
- How many of the '5 people' do you see in place?
- If you see less than 'the 5', is there one small shift you can make? i.e. inviting in a new supportive adult, nurturing a peer relationship, or pulling back from a negative dynamic?
This framework can help you prioritize relationships that build your child up, while still stretching them toward healthy social and emotional growth.
Follow up from last week:
A BIG THANK YOU to those who responded to my questions!
Here is a short summary of what I received!
1) people are really enjoying reading, including my simple joy's section, YAY!!
2) most said they would read 2/week if I sent it but 1/week is plenty, mostly looking out for my workload--thank you!!
3) parents are asking, "how can we share to a wider audience, especially with parents of younger kids who are just starting their journey?"---great question and one I share too! I would appreciate having a zoom session with any parents who would be willing to meet with me to brainstorm on this. Please let me know if I can contact you!
NORIKO'S NOTES: sharing my life's simple joys💜
Did you know that I worked for the regional center in San Diego for 3 weeks before?? Most people don't! Through my master's in social work program at SDSU, I became a social worker with a credential to be a school social worker. After spending a whole school year as a social work intern at an elementary and junior high school, that had become my dream job.
I started my job search before my MSW graduation only to find no job openings. Due to budget cuts, no new jobs were offered and even those employed were at risk of losing their jobs, every year. Many principals had to make the tough choice to use funding for school counselor OR for a reading specialist...an impossible ask!
BUT I WAS DETERMINED!!!
I emailed every single school district HR department and every single principal within probably a 60 mile radius. I mailed them each a big envelope with my CV and a pamphlet that I made, describing the benefits of having a school social worker on site. If they had a position, I wanted them to hire me. If they didn't already have a counselor/social worker, I wanted them to create that position, then hire me!😆
While taking random temp jobs and doing product focused groups for cash (did anyone else do those before?), I was stretching my dollar and continued my search for my dream job, calling districts to see if they read my packet.
CRICKETS!!
In August, when schools were opening back up for the new year, I finally decided that I REALLY do need a job. Reluctantly, I shifted gears. I was quickly hired by the San Diego Regional Center. I was grateful to have the job--although disappointed it was not at a school, I was fully committed. I had worked with a lot of Alta California Regional Center service coordinators in the past and had great experiences with them. I completed 3 weeks on the job, spending most of my time learning.
THEN, AGAINST ALL ODDS, someone at the district had read my big envelope and called me when their funding status had changed. I progressed through several interviews and landed my dream job! I did feel a tiny bit guilty for those who spent time training me at the regional center, but you know I was out of there faster than you can imagine!!
This job, at La Mesa-Spring Valley School District, where I worked until a week before Jake was born, was absolutely everything I had wished for. I LOVED getting to know all of the students at the 2 elementary schools and being THAT adult who can create a safe space for them.
From that moment, I said to myself, if any of these kids grew up and said to themselves, "I know it is ok to get help or talk to a counselor when I need it. I did that when I was in school with some lady (me) and it was fun"...then I would have done my job right! I still feel the same until today.
Thank you for letting me share my simple joy💜.
No photos today...I couldn't find any from that long ago!!🙃
Gratefully yours,
Noriko
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Noriko Abenojar, MSW PPS
Parenting REdefined
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